Hard.

I couldn't pull my self up to be better for this whole week. I do not know if I have waken up in a wrong side of the bed because it seems to be impossible to be like this everyday. This week has been so stressful from the earthquake started on October 15th and then aftershocks every day, from the Account I am working with and the people. I cannot help but ask God if I did anything wrong for me to be punished like this.... think think think.. yes, I think I did. Until when will I bare it?

I really want to quit my job because of all these going on, I think everything is getting worse than they seem but still I asked my self if am I really that busy to complain? I am not sure. How busy can I get? Is this the worse? Definitely not.

I even thought of quitting before the year ends but I do not have the heart to leave like this, as an old friend said "If you must quit, do it for the right reasons". There are no guarantees even that I can be better on a different company, maybe the thought of it is exciting but who knows when the excitement would end? I know , I know, I think too much. But I have to think really hard. I AM NOT HAPPY.

Will I be happy when I transfer? I swear it is not the pay, I don't even think I can be paid the same as I am being paid now on a different company.

Why I am not happy? Everything is not the same as what they seem - again. The environment is not a home as it was, I feel uncomfortable in my own home. The people were not the same, the mentality is different. I don't think it's because we were busy lately because I have been from worse, but this feeling is different now.

NO, I AM NOT HAPPY ANYMORE.

Confessions 102: First Few Steps.. Inspiration..

I have to say Regine Velasquez has inspired me a lot during those times when I wanted to be a singer. Her "rags to riches" story really hit me hard aside from her amazing voice that really captivated me. I would often watch her every Sunday and never missed any episode just to watch her, listen to her and learn her ways on singing. By that time they would tell me that I was a copy-cat. I do not know or maybe I was in-denial if I really sounded like Regine V. before, and those scrutiny really made my self-esteem down.

When I was in Freshman back in high school I knew  that my goal was to become a singer, but unfortunately I didn't get any support anymore from my family. I didn't get a boost or encouragement from them...not anymore..maybe. My siblings would really put me down most of the time saying, I cannot do it, I shouldn't do it, I would be a humiliation if ever. Though I know I wasn't sintunado and I know I can sing, I know how to listen and because I listen so hard.. I always hear them telling me I cannot do it. LOL

It was different in school though. LOL my teachers would ask me to sing the National Anthem during flag ceremony and retreat. They would always ask me for this and that everything that were related to my voice. And I wasn't even from a pilot class! But I always got boost from my classmates, especially from a good friend Danily who even told me to go with my dreams and I should hire her to be my manager ( LOL). But always, always, when I get home it was different. Although I would still sing when there were family occasions, but it wasn't the same pride that they saw in me when I was younger, when I was in my teenage years. But I didn't back down! LOL

I tried, I prayed for it..and there were so many chances, but I lack from support. There was a singing contest before that was hosted by Regine Velasquez where Sarah Geronimo won - Star for a Night - when I really wanted to join but when I asked permission from parents because I was below 18yo, they wouldn't allow me because they said I couldn't make it. I was inexperienced. My voice wasn't good enough. And then a year after I was like 15yo still underage but I again was declined by my parents but my classmate's parent made me a letter of consent to join(LOL) but then since I didn't know we should have a whole body picture so I wasn't able to join. So I said, next time.. See? I had a very good fighting spirit then...

And then I think it was 2006, I was 16yo I joined singing contest in school. I thought I was really good already (LoL) , I know perfect timing, and my pitch, I listen to my voice and I know the things that I can do. I know my voice really well and I was so determined that I can win it. But then again, I have learned one thing that time ... yes I did not win, but I have learned that even if you know yourself really well, you sing because you communicate, do not sing just because you are singing and singing for yourself. Sing for the people. Sing like sharing your voice to the other people, which was really important right? Actually, that was the statement from one of the judges who happened to be my teacher. lol

That experienced pushed me more and inspired me on how to do it next time...

Confessions 101: I was a singer

I have a little confession to make. LOL and I think this is going to be my first time to tell a story. LOL 
I think there are only a few people who knows that I sing, well "I can sing" is even an understatement because to be honest I am a singer - I was a singer - I think LOL.

I can easily remember when I was so young, about 4 years-old, the first song I got to memorize was Bawal na Gamot.(LOL) My parents would let me stand on the table and then let me sing in front of their friends (another LOL) for real! I am not even kidding and you can ask my parents about it :P
And then when I was in 4th or 5th grade I started singing ABBA songs, it was Multiplex before and my parents would let me sing those with microphone. You can ask me any ABBA songs and I think I can sing with it well. LOL. Going back from my elementary years, my neighbors would really hear me in the morning till noon singing those ABBA songs but I have yet to realize that I wanted to be a singer..it was just like a past time to me although my neighbors would encourage me to join amateur singing contests already. But I was just clueless about it.

I was a member of school choir from 4th to 6th grade and we used to compete with other schools as well for any occasions. I still didn't think of myself to become a singer on those early years although I was being serious with being a choir member before and I could remember my classmates would get envy when I would be called out to practice because I was exempted from class. LOL

At the latter part of my primary years, one of my cousins who knew I could sing but didn't take it seriously, asked me to sing On The Wings of Love by Regine Velasquez and he thought I could hit those notes very well (sorry for not-so being humble :P). That was  when I started being serious about singing because he kept on pushing me. I couldn't even remember how I knew the song, I just knew the melody of the song and didn't even know how to read the word "inseparable". And then this cousin would even pushed me to guest on a baranggay program but did not materialize because I didn't have Minus-one tape and the Karaoke CD we were using wouldn't work. I was really fine with it but at that time I knew I had the aim to buy my first minus-one album. I  bought the R2K album - cassette tape version first . If you do not know R2K was one of Regine Velasquez's best selling albums of all time - if not the best. I would sing with it until I came to love Regine Velasquez which was actually the beginning of my addiction, frustration and aim to be a singer. 
I knew I could sing, and the encouragement from my cousins were really overwhelming, they would let me sing in family events and occasions, they call me "pambato" in singing. So I was like maybe that was my destiny..maybe being singing was for me...

To be Continued....

Let You Be by Regine Velasquez

Exactly what I feel now..

Time goes by after sad goodbye-s. 
So many changes meeting new faces

Different places with different cases. 

For other concerns your heart now burns

Can we still be together I ask. 

On my shy face I put on a mask

Am I a block to your destiny?  Or maybe I should just let you be

Maybe im just imagining things. 

Thinking you don't need someone like me

Maybe I should learn to call on you. 

Like what you used to do when you're blue

Bring back yesterday I sing. 

When friendship was a spontaneous thing

Am I part of your destiny?

Or maybe I should just let you be

Time moves in circles. 

Here I hope for miracles. 

Lost in confusion. 

I don't know how to move on

Am I too selfish on my part? 

Thinking you left me. 

Now we're apart. 

But it's unfair of you to leave me here. 

Living your dreams while I weep here in tears

Bring back yesterday I sing. 

When friendship was a spontaneous thing

Am I part of your destiny? 

Or maybe I should just let you be

Time moves in circles. 

Here I hope for miracles. 

Lost in confusion. 

I don't know how to move on?

Top 5: Songs of the Week

Top 5 songs for this week. Woot Woot!

1.) Im Out by Ciara ft. Nicki Minaj - well, yes this has been a favorite for a couple of weeks. I just saw it's video and it was really hot! lol Nicki Minaj goin for the kill! I love that girl rapping. And because of that this song has been on my "favorites" on my playlist because I wanted to memorize the rap part of the song :)

2.) Good Times by Cassadee Pope - a feel good song, it's so easy to listen and innocently sexy for me :) It reminded me so much of Game of Love by Michelle Branch ft Santana which was my favorite from High School <3. This song has the same vibe so you won't really get sick of hearing it again and again. I can imagine myself hearing this music while on a road trip somewhere. (Iwish!)

Third and fourth would be Black and Crooked by Gdragon. Yes, can't get enough! LOL

5.) A.D.T.O.Y - All Day i Think Of You by 2PM. I just want to be fair with Junho-ssi haha. To be honest this is the first thing that I see when I open my player. Because obviously it starts with "A". So since it's the first thing on my list I often start it there. Lame? Haha But this is really not a bad song..I friggin' love it's chorus. hehe

Sometimes I think if these are my kind of songs although I have mentioned before that these are my kinda-songs. But these songs were totally not my style when I was younger. Oh well, it looks like while the world is revolving, music does and tastes does too :) 

Bad Girl.

When I created this blog, I was expecting that I would have a lot of negative things, rants, complaints and emotional problems to be posted but it was different from what I have been doing for the past few days. Maybe because there were always reasons for me to be happy. Well, I am very mababaw kind of person getting a corny message from my boyfriend would make me feel happy, seeing my mama cooking for me/us already makes me happy, making someone happy makes me feel happy and seeing Gdragon smiling would make me smile and heart flutters LOL.

I am like that.

I am very patient with my family, friends, work and less for my boyfriend. LOL. I always think of other people before I would think for myself. That may be is the reason why I am so sensitive because I always think what they think and what makes them happy. It seems as if I am trying to please them or making them think that I am always kind.

But to be honest I am not at all that goody-good girl, although I can also say that I am a good girl because I am really conscious on the things that I do and act. But the bad side of me is that getting annoyed for the wrong reasons, getting upset over nonsense things, get jealous without any reasons to be, pretend that I do when I don't and being too much of a good girl which is very annoying!

But let me make it clear that I am not like that all the time, I came to understand things, people and situation and I can adjust, I even talk to myself telling me that I shouldn't do that. But sometimes, you just really want to explode and wants to nag, rant, and do all the bad stuff that I have in my head but at the end I still keep it. I think I rarely complain nowadays and I am sad that most of the time I tell it to my boyfriend who also has his own issues. :(

Today, I just feel so un-happy. I am so annoyed. And I do not know if it's because I have been keeping this feeling for a long time that every little things that happen would just get into my nerve and would make me mad. Imagine? Just seeing that old friend's nuisance annoys me. Someone just took my swivel chair and I was already  annoyed. We get a lot of calls when it is my job to take calls I get annoyed. Although I try my very best not to be obvious when talking to my callers but when I am not, it is already written all over my face. BACK OFF!

That's me. I am not all that good. Maybe at times or most of the times, I am mean, irrational, upsetting.